Of Spring Break and Failed GoalsAnother Spring Break has come and gone. I had high hopes to accomplish a lot of catch up cleaning, working out and taking photos. As it is, I didn’t accomplish any of those goals. Now here is where I consistently mind-fuck myself. I did more cleaning, more working out, and more photography than I would have if I hadn’t set those goals for myself prior to the break, but I did not fully hit any single goal I internally set for myself. So I should feel a little good, right? That’s a partial success after all…isn’t it? I mean I should feel like I am not a total loss as a human being. I should just reload, and try harder the next time. That would be normal. Instead, all I feel is that I should have done more cleaning. I should have spent more time with the kid. I should have worked out more than I did, but since I didn’t do as much of any single one of those things as I think I should have, I feel I failed on all fronts.
It’s not like attempting those meager goals were the only good things I did. I played some board games with the kid. Played more fetch with the dog to help him try to work off his winter weight. By the way, anyone want to do that for me? Just come to my house and throw a frisbee for me 30-50 times and make me go get it. Maybe that will help me shed the extra human’s worth of weight I carry these days. I also made sure to have hot meals ready for my wife when she got home from work. Even got up in the a.m. to make her a hot breakfast before she left a couple times. The house was at least marginally cleaner every day when she came home than it was when she left. The kid and I went for some good walks and spent some good one on one time together. Met my mom for brunch one day which wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been on break. I was partially successful in cutting back on my alcohol intake. I was near completely successful in not spending any money that didn’t go directly towards bills save a $10 splurge on a video game. …and none of those things makes me feel better. I should have done more. I should have been better. A better husband. A better father. A better dog owner. A better athlete. A better son.
Does anyone else deal with this? I probably need to work on something, but I’m not sure what. The wife suggested I go perhaps do some short term cycle of an anti-depressant just to get through a rough patch and see where that takes me. I’m not sure that’s the right thing. Never been much of a pill guy.
Feeling pretty insulated from the world lately. Almost completely disengaged from the horrors of politics and the attacks on personal freedom our last two presidents seem to think is what they were put on this earth to accomplish. Those things made me want to get up and fight the last couple years. They made me want to talk to other people and get them outraged, too. Now, I don’t care. Call it fatalism, pessimism, apathy… call it whatever you want, but I don’t think anything is changing in this country until Civil War II and that is simply too big a horror for me to contemplate…and so I don’t. I don’t contemplate it at all. I pretend it isn’t happening. Sounds healthy, I know.
In all my soul searching, in all my meandering, in all my internal whining, in all my quest to find some kind of meaning to something…I am finding nothing. That in itself isn’t even really the problem. The problem, I realize in writing this, is I don’t care enough to find it anymore. There is one thing, ONE, I do know. I know lots of crappier humans than me that I treat far better than I treat myself.
Sooner or later, I have to fight my way out of this. I will. I know I will. This funk just feels a little deeper and a whole lot longer than almost all of my previous lows and I am known for being one of those high and low kinda fellas. If you could chart my biorhythms throughout my life I’m pretty sure it would look like this:
I don’t ever post to whine. I am not expecting or calling for sympathy. Pretty much every bit of this mental dreck is what I’ve pulled in on myself. Just sometimes when I admit what is going on to myself and write it down, it is a first step in ….um….taking a first step. It might move me microns in the right direction. I’ve always tried to be honest on this blog. *chuckle* only been partially successful in that, too. Darn me all to heck. Despite where I’m at in my head, feel free to respond with whatever “wedge is such a wussy” jokes you have. They would probably make me smile. Plus, I kinda deserve it.