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How is it I’ve made it to the ripe age of 38 and this is the first time I’ve ever actually listened to this song?

The Asshole Song sung by George Jones

Well I was drivin’ down I-95 the other night
Somebody nearly cut me right off the road
I decided it wasn’t gonna do any good to get mad
So I wrote a song about him instead
It goes like this…

Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
’cause you’re an asshole tonight

Yes you’re an A S S H O L E…
And don’t you try to blame it on me
You deserve all the credit
You’re an asshole tonight

You were an asshole yesterday
You’re an asshole tonight
And I’ve got a feelin’
you’ll be an asshole the rest of your life

And I was talkin’ to your mother
just the other night
I told her I thought you were an asshole
She said, “Yes. I think you’re right.”

And all your friends are assholes
’cause you’ve known them your whole life
And somebody told me
you’ve got an asshole for a wife

Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
’cause you’re an aaaass…hole tonight

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Slamming

Well, I don’t know. Been a lot of turmoil lately. I’m hoping instead of hitting the floor and getting the wind knocked out of me this time that I can just bounce back up, stronger and with more momentum. Spent a few hours puking yesterday. It wasn’t from a cold either. It was from stress. That would be a new one on me. That’s about what I need these days. Get an ulcer from dealing with more crap than I should have to. Definitely have to toggle my mindset onto a different setting here. Maybe just start forgetting about the house and put more energy into working out and other activities that allow release before I end up a total mess.

Isn’t life just a great adventure? I know most of these last few entries don’t make much sense, but sometimes it helps to chuck it all down on “paper” so to speak.

I’ll be all right.

That sounded confident didn’t it? lol

Right now I just want to work out. That’s a good sign. Let’s see if I still feel that way after adding another 7 hours to the hour and a half I’ve already worked.

More mental drippings.

Just how fucked am I still from all that has gone on? Will I ever know the release of being in an absolutely good place ever again? Will I ever be able to relax and say, “This is as it should be.” Will I ever be able to take a deep breath and exhale slowly, luxuriating in the good thoughts, effortlessly relaxing in a cloud of fulfillment?

Or is all that I have been through just waiting around the corner. Waiting to end me. Waiting to take from me everything I have held dear since I was old enough to know what I wanted out of life? Is the monster under the bed of the unknown just sleeping, waiting for me to relax and smile so he can jump on me. Claw me. Rend me flesh from bone. Tear my insides. Laugh at me as the drips of my shattered reality fall from it’s wet lips and jagged teeth.

I don’t know. Never will know until it is too late. And this time, too late may be fatal.

It’s hard for me to accept that no one has paid for what was done to me. What I have gone through…am going through…someone should have been made to pay. Someone should have to hurt for it. But I have better things to do. And someone will pay…in this life or the next. Not by my hand. I am above it. Because I am above it. I win.