Ways to entertain yourself in an elevator.

1.       Hum, America the Beautiful.  Encourage others to join in.
2.       Wear a bulky, well used Army fatigue jacket.  Act nervous.  Ask other passengers if they know how to turn a detonator off. 
3.       Hit the emergency stop button.  Yell, “Nobody move!” and act like you just lost a contact lens.  Do not let them re-start the elevator until you have found it.
4.       Wear a dark suit and dark glasses.  Talk into your sleeve like a secret service agent.  Loudly claim you have spotted the suspect and go on to physically describe one of the passengers on the elevator.  Verify the sniper is in position for when the elevator doors open.
5.       Wear a track suit.  Jog in place the entire time.  If someone asks, tell them you are preparing for the Stationary Olympics.
6.       Bring in a realistic doll in a baby carriage.  When the elevator doors open, push the baby carriage out.  You stay on and continue to ride the elevator.   This works well with escalators as well.
7.       Set up a popcorn machine in the back corner.  Sell snacks.
8.       Stand outside the doors with a scale and a clip board.  Weigh people as they get in.  Nod concernedly.   Shrug your shoulders.  Tell them good luck as they get in. This helps if you have some sort of safety inspector or maintenance type outfit.
9.       Set a portable camping toilet inside the elevator.  Pull down your pants and sit on it while reading a newspaper.  When the doors open, yell at the people that you would like some privacy.
10.   Flash a badge to all incoming passengers.  Claim to be the Elevator Marshall.  Proceed to question them about their destination, business, and if they have anything to declare. 
11.   Ask each passenger individually, “You smell that?”
12.   When the elevator is fully loaded, say to everyone, “I suppose you’re wondering why I called you all here…”
13.   Wear a t-shirt with the words “Professional Pocket Pool Player” screen printed on it.  Put your hands in your pockets.  Go to town.  If someone interrupts you, explain you are practicing for League night.


Two Random Bits of Brain Cud.

What?  You think I will be yammering on about the Pistorious case or something equally compelling like Octomom’s ascent into porn?  Oh, noooooo.

I could give two shits about Alec Baldwin.  I really could, but after watching this video, I do know I could never be a celebrity.  Check out this link and come back to me.

Alec Baldwin trying to walk to the bagel shop.

Apparently ol’ Alec may have uttered some very unkind things and verbally threatened to strangle a reporter or two on his way to his local bagel shop.  C’mon…who hasn’t done this at one time or another?   For the rest of this rant, I will need you to imagine air quotes around the word “reporter(s)” every time I use it.  I do not know where the air quotes on my keyboard are yet.  You will have to muddle through until I do find them.

I don’t know if Alec really did say what those reporters claimed he said and I don’t care.  If someone was all over me like these people were in this video they better be ready to defend themselves.  I like how the video opens on Alec at the :12 mark pushing a reporter away after right after the lead in reporter commented on how touchy Baldwin appeared to be.  You have to listen carefully, but Alec says, “You have to back up.  You’re hitting me with the micropho….” at which point he is cut off by said reporter telling Baldwin not to touch him.  Immediately after Alec pushes the reporter away, the intrepid newsman takes that as an invitation to play the famous “I’m not touching you!  I’m not touching you!” game that we all used to play in the backseat of the car during long family trips precisely to drive our friends/brothers/sisters ay-fucking nuts.


Actual photo of gaggle of reporters awaiting Baldwin’s appearance outside his apartment.
By the time we get to the :35 second mark of that video, keep in mind Baldwin didn’t even show up in the video until about the :12 second mark, I see Baldwin adjust his gait and the direction he walks while being touched by reporters no less than five times.  At what point is this harassment?  Isn’t there some sort of law about respecting someone’s personal space and the right to not be touched by other people?  When does he get to defend himself?  At the end of the video Baldwin is literally running away from the reporter who is running alongside Baldwin and STILL hitting him with that microphone.  I don’t really care about celebrities and I’m not even sure why I watched this link, but I do know that someone in this video needs a good oral fist enema and it isn’t Baldwin.
Kind of a cute cop in that above picture.  A cute cop who took racy photos of herself wearing her Tucson Police T-shirt and sent them to her boyfriend, who showed them to his buddies.  I have no idea if the t-shirt was an official part of the uniform or whatnot, but it still seems like um…oh….about as smart as building a kite out of porcelain.  Far be it from me to try to discourage women from disseminating self-made porn, but just  how stupid can you be and still make the rank of lieutenant in that Tucson Police shop?

I’m glad she didn’t lose her job.  She did get demoted from lieutenant back down to sergeant.  I am also assuming that the boyfriend who couldn’t keep her pics for his own private fap fodder has now been reduced to the rank of single.  I also hope he applies for a transfer so she isn’t still his boss.

Lastly, I would like to wrap up with an excellent rendition of Poe’s “The Raven” because I can:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLSmhpwLdEQ