By request.

Since my last post about things I could care less about, someone recently asked me for a post about a few  things I do believe in.

 You people never learn.  If you keep encouraging me, I’ll just keep writing this dreck.  Amber, you have only yourself to blame for this.

I believe that Daniel and Henrik Sedin should quit cutting their hair and their beards in exactly the same manner.  When you are twins and you are six years old and your parents force you to dress alike it is understandable.  As two 30 year old professional hockey players it’s creepy.

I understand you each love your brother and can admire the fact that family is important to you as you refuse to play for separate teams, but that is where it has to end.  In other words, it is okay to love your brother, but it is not okay to “love” your brother.  Know what I mean?

You…me…hot tub after the game?   (

I believe that the world will NOT end before 2013.  If anyone wants to bet me $1000 that the apocalypse is nigh, feel free to contact me through this blog.  I will accept any and all bets.

Well I don’t care if it is the apocalypse, that’s just rude.  (

I believe that once your 20-something son builds himself a clubhouse and a skull shrine in the back yard, it is past time to get him professional help. 

I know kids are difficult.  I know there are a series of challenges inherent in doing one’s best to rear them in the right manner.  Mom and Pop Loughner, I think this goes beyond finding a Penthouse under his mattress or worrying that he isn’t doing his chores.  Every single person the media interviews that was not a family member seems to have the same opinion of Loughner.  For brevity, I will summarize what all of his classmates, bosses, and acquaintances said about him:  “He’s crazier than a shithouse rat and he scares me.”

You cannot convince me he hadn’t done something so over the top weird or frightening before that point, that his parents had no idea his sanity boat was sinking fast.  He lived at home!  They HAD to catch him waxing hamsters to a stunning shine or taking a sewing needle to the eyes of houseflies or something else that would have rung the crazy alarm before he moved on to mass murder.

At some point it seems something should have been done before he went all full metal jacket on a bunch of innocent people.  I know…we’ll blame his teachers.  Fire all those bastards. Gotta be their fault.

Political aside:  Ever notice it’s never the democrats that go on shooting sprees?  I’m not blaming John Boehner for this one as Loughner was obviously three pancakes short of a full stack, but I will blame Glenn Beck whom is widely regarded as the Pied Piper of the politically insane.

I believe chocolate gets too much credit and butter pecan gets shortchanged in the pantheon of ice cream flavors.  Chocolate was okay when I was a kid, but as I have gotten older, I need something for my more sophisticated palate.  Chocolate ice cream is pretty one note stuff and is no longer as satisfying to me.  I feel an analogy is in order.  Chocolate ice cream is a handjob.  Butter pecan ice cream is the full on toe curling sex that follows a nice relaxing couple of drinks and a nice firm spanking.

I have suppressed the urge to draw two nipples.  I am proud of me. 


I believe that when I retire I want to purchase a large RV and turn it into a mobile saloon.  This is pretty rural country and the drinking and driving fines are no joke.  Although I have my doubts on how well the fines discourage drinking and driving, I do believe drinking and driving should be discouraged.  Taxis are expensive or not available at all in a lot of areas.  The solution:  have the bar come to your neighborhood where you could walk home afterward.  Better yet…if you tip me well, the bar itself will deliver you to your doorstep at the end of the night.

With this one we could even leave the RV on site and let someone else DD you home!

I don’t know if this interior would work. Don’t we need obligatory neon beer signs, some NASCAR ,shit and the heads of a few carcasses on the walls?  I could probably provide the faint urine smell myself.
(Both above images courtesy of:


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