What I am about to show you is dangerous. It’s frightening and sortta depressing all at the same time. It’s a sight so not-rare-enough that at times it’s all I can do to keep myself from climbing the nearest clock tower and spreading some high caliber love amongst the dumbasses that walk amongst us masquerading as useful members of society.
Steel yourselves to witness proof that our gene puddle is getting more and more muddled with dreck.
I took these pics outside Elmer’s grocery store in Escanaba this summer. Exhibit #1 shows the classic maneuver used by someone who purposefully takes up two spots to make sure no one will park next to him and accidentally ding the door. Two problems. 1) If you do this and don’t take two spots that are on the outlying periphery of the lot, then you are a dickhead. 2) You took up two spots one in front of the other which doesn’t make sense. I do the “pull through” all the time so I don’t have to back out of spots, but that still only involves taking one spot. This genius takes up two spots one in front of the other. Not enough energy to pull all the way through to the facing spot? Too stupid to realize he overshot the first spot? Maybe he just kept driving until his phone call ended and that just happens to be where the operator at 1-800-Bukkake-Me finally hung up on him.
|Exhibit #1: I can’t wait to see what happens to me when I hit my mid-life crisis. Will I be the convertible guy or will I be the guy who has candy dishes filled with Viagra in every room of the house?|
In Exhibit #2 posted below, we see that the almost-pull-through guy, broke not one, but two of three imaginary planes of the typical angle parking space. How sucky a driver do you have to be in order to do that? We now have to assume he was not simply in a hurry, not simply just distracted, but simply the victim of some of the worst fetal alcohol poisoning that didn’t result in complete fetusplosion whilst he was in the womb. I’m not sure how he made it out of his mother’s vagina alive, much less how he ever managed to get a license to drive. Nevertheless, I want to assure him that no matter how well he takes care of his little Nissan Roadster, it’s moves like this that will always make him a cancre on the ass of humanity.
Here is where it gets scary. Notice the Dodge to the left of FAS boy? He has done the same damn thing. He has forcibly penetrated two thirds of the imaginary walls of angle parking that were created by sweet baby Jesus himself to keep our grocery store parking lots from becoming pure Mad Max style chaos. The amount of such stupidity all gathered into one place is staggering. Those of you afraid of the possible effect of the atom smashing Hadron Collider need to relax. It’s the gathering of anti-intelligence such as documented in these pictures, that has a much greater chance of effectively ending life as we know it. At some point the dumbass factor will hit critical mass and rip some sort of hole in the time space continuum by creating a super nova of stupid.
Now if you haven’t already noticed the silver Toyota in the background of Exhibit #2, I will point out that he also has broken one of the parking planes and he has left a good two+ feet of the ass end of his truck in the road. For those of you counting, that’s parking lines 4, Imbecilic Anarchy 5. I wanted to forgive Toyota-boy for leaving the tail end of his truck hanging out at first because it was pretty obvious that he got there last and was partially inhibited by the Dodge half-hearted-pull-through guy. Then I saw that he was also completely cockeyed in his spot and all my good will vanished like heroin off Lindsay Lohan’s coffee table.
|Exhibit #3: Mr. Silver Toyota…ninety-seven other open spots, and you choose to park right between Chippy the magical retard and Funderburke “Ponies make me happy!” Pyle. I hope they both smashed your quarter panels.|
Singularly, none of these sad excuses for parking are unusual as I am sure both of my faithful readers know. But to do this in triplicate? All of them in spots that are diagonally connected? This is surely a sign of the apocalypse. I couldn’t be more sure than if the convertible had a 666 license plate, the Dodge sported a 2012 decal in the back window, and I had personally witnessed Dick Cheney driving the Toyota into that spot. This is it my friends. It’s over. I’m surprised I wasn’t sucked into some sort of hellish nether dimension ala Poltergeist just from getting close enough take these cell phone pics.
My good fortune in surviving this encounter, allows me to warn all of you. The end is nigh. Make peace with your maker. Hug your wife one last time. Call everyone you love…demand they give you the money they owe you and then use the money so you can go snort blow off the ass of that transgender hooker you’ve had your eye on because this little Uno game of life is just about done.