Christmas Stories that Never Really Caught On.

Christmas time is a wonderful time of year for a lot of reasons.  Candy, Christmas songs, presents, brotherhood and the wonderful juxtaposition of girls in Santa themed bikinis not the least of those reasons.

I look forward to this every year.

Plus, there is the wonderful Christmas literature.  The stories told and re-told over the generations that just seem to get better and better with the passage of time.  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,  Frosty the Snowman, Twas the Night Before ChristmasA Christmas Carol….legends, classics all.  Not everything written about Christmas has made it to legendary status however and some of the classics have received updates and sequels that just never quite matched up with the pantheon of Christmas tales we all know and love.

  Here is a short list of a few Christmas stories that never caught on:

Santa Grows a Lesion – 
Is it a small wonder if he finally caught something after kissing all those married women under the mistletoe all these years?  Does penicillin work on merry old elves?  I’m kinda surprised Mrs. Claus hasn’t Bobbited him years ago. 

Santa’s Mommy kissing abilities are so legendary they wrote a song about it for crying out loud! (

A Charlie Brown Abortion – 
You knew that love/hate thing Charlie and Lucy always displayed was all just foreplay.  Foreplay does usually eventually lead to something.  Turns out that Charlie couldn’t repay Lucy for all those 5¢ psychiatry sessions.  Lucy arranged for another way for Charlie to pay her back after Charlie got in over his head (it’s me…of course the pun was intended.  Don’t ask silly questions.)  

Antonio Banderas stars in a powerful, heartfelt voiceover portrayal of Charlie Brown’s father.  In a touching scene between he and Charlie, Banderas quite poignantly says, “Waahwahwah, wah wah wah…wah wah.”  Tears flowed in the test audiences, but this Peanuts installment never caught on.

Look at that lustful leer! 
Rudolph Takes a Beatdown –
The don’t ask, don’t tell policy of all the other reindeer only worked for so long before it all devolved into a tragic and horrific tale of prejudice and cruelty that results in Rudolph being forced out of the reindeer corps when his true relationship with Hermey, the elf, is discovered.  Parental Guidance is suggested due to scenes of explicit beastiality and violence.   It’s too bad because I believe there is a real lesson for the kids about the evil of intolerance in this one.

Okay, but next time I get to be on top!
Frosty Runs a Racket –
Frosty goes all Tony Soprano when he discovers there is more than one kind of snow he is an expert in.  However his penchant for snorting coke as well as dealing it eventually gets him into trouble.  His paranoia that everyone is out to get his hat rivals that of the Lucky Charms leprechaun freaking out about his fucking marshmallows.   Of course it was his best friend the rabbit that got Frosty hooked.  We should have guessed from the get-go that bunny was wired on something.
A tweaked Frosty shortly before the hallucinations take over.  

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