Don’t Own These or You are a Massive Tool

This post is inspired by the first product you will see on this list. I’m all for creativity and innovation, but there is stuff out there that is stupid to such a colossal scale that I have to wonder just how long humankind has been peeing into it’s own gene pool.

I’m pretty sure when I was a kid that when I wasn’t running around in my underoos with a blanket tied around my neck pretending to be Superman, that I probably wore my sister’s bathrobe backwards out of sheer boredom at some point. I didn’t like it then. Now, as an adult with still a smidge of self-respect left, I’m positive I wouldn’t like it.

Aren’t robes open in the front to allow free movement of the legs? Not only does this design flaw increase this product’s ranking on the dumbassometer, but, unlike a robe, it doesn’t end above the ankles. It flows down past the feet to the floor. Seeing as how I think this thing is probably sold mainly to the chronically cold elderly, isn’t this a lawsuit waiting to happen? I can see hoards of hollow boned elderly shattering hips across our great nation when they get up to grab one of their seventeen cats, and they trip over the hem of this thing. On the other hand, if you’ve ever been hospitalized and just happen to like the feel of an open backed hospital style gown, then this product may be for you and you can wear it with pride…schmuck.

I’m pretty sure if this thing worked anywhere near as well as the ads and videos claim it did, then they wouldn’t have had to give it such a weird name to garner attention. Just like when I originally saw the Bad Frog beer commercials. As soon as I noticed they had to put a frog on the bottle label with it’s middle finger raised, I knew the product would suck. Thankfully I was able to satiate my curiosity when a friend handed me a bottle and I didn’t have to insult my own intelligence by buying any of that swill myself. It couldn’t have tasted any worse if they had brewed it with Lindsay Lohan’s venereal drippings.

In the day and age of free internet pornography that is more plentiful than inbreds in West Virginia, is anybody really so desperate for a view of hypoallergenic polyfoam stuffed breasts that they will buy this? Oh, but that’s not all young sailors! These are Iboobs. Yes, speakers for your Ipod that you can rest your head on while snoozing away the evening hours listening to the dulcet tones of Zamfir, King of the Pan Flute.

Erm, eh…wow. If you can’t manage to walk from your car to the entrance of the multiplex without having to get out of your car in cold weather and put on this inconvenient mockery of a useful product, then you sir are beyond pussywhipped. Either you are too much of a daisy to withstand the cold for the hand-in-hand walk or you are just begging her to take advantage of your incredibly weak personality like the U.S. government took advantage of drunken Indians. One more point, if you make it through your walk in the park and don’t have your ass handed to you by every man that still does have a pair, then you were just lucky. Just because you lived through that crazy game of Russian roullette you played that one night you spent too much time in your darkened dorm room listening to Pink Floyd, doesn’t mean you should play the game again. Sooner or later your gamble is going to come up craps. If I see you wearing these, I will punch at least one of you in the face and it is quite possible I might have to punch the both of you. I’m not violent by nature, but I cannot tolerate the children seeing wussification on such a craptastic scale. It sets a bad example.

I can see someone owning one of these runny nose egg separators if it was made by their weird Uncle Herman out in his shed where he turned his niece’s old easybake oven into a makeshift kiln. The only reason they keep it on the shelf is they are worried that Uncle Herman may react in some sort of violent fashion towards their dog involving a weedwhacker and pungee sticks if he thinks his gift wasn’t appreciated. If you don’t have a weird Uncle Herman and you own one of these, you are now uber-douche material and far, far more comfortable with bodily fluids and functions than even the most jaded doctor of internal medicine has any right to be.


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