Things to do when you are bored.

06/19/08

Things to do when you are bored:

If you are male, walk through the lingerie department until a salesgirl asks you if you want help. Tell her, “No thank you, just sniffing.” Either that hold up a crotchless pair of anything, tell the salesgirl she is about your mom’s size and ask her if she would mind trying them on.

The last hardware store, department store, gift shop that screwed you over on a return or sold you a piece of junk…go in at a random time and just casually walk around moving things from one shelf to another. If you are feeling poetic you can try to work on dramatic juxtaposition of the items. For instance, put a baby basket on a shelf next to the shotgun shells, or put a bra hanging on the same rack as some jumper cables.

Go to a court case, sit way in the back and cough “bullshit” every time some defendant offers an excuse.

Take some light fine wire to the grocery store and subtly wire some of the shopping carts in the cart corral together. Bring a lawn chair and a drink with and umbrella in it and watch the fun.

Walk behind someone in the grocery store and every time they move their cart, make squeaking noises. If that doesn’t eventually get them, then follow them and grab all the same items off the shelf that they grab.

Every time you back your cart up go BEEP, BEEP, BEEP really loudly. Go VROOM, VROOM every time you go forward.

Hitchhike on the side of the road. When someone stops just look in the car, say, “Not you.” and wave them on.

Go to a bar and make up drink names one after the other just to perplex the bartender. Can you make me a Squirrelly Nutburton? No? Okay, how about a Crosstown Traffic Jam? No? Okay, then I’ll take a Flaming Bag of Ass. The challenge is to continue listing imaginary drink names as long as possible until the bartender catches on and kicks you out.

Walk through a crowded mall and ask random people if they smell smoke. When they say they don’t, smile mysteriously and say…Oh, you will, then walk away.

Rinse out a bottle of industrial strength cleanser like Formula 409, fill it with your drink of choice and walk around the Seafood Festival or Art on the Rocks, take a huge swig, shout, “Damn, that’ll put hair on your chest.” and offer other strangers a drink.

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