The Ultimate Taintlicker

May 12, 2006 – Friday
The Ultimate Taintlicker.

Anyone here watch “The Ultimate Fighter?” Well it’s a reality show tournament, full contact fighting style, where the big winner in each division gets a fat contract. The fighters are sequestered in a house sans any communication with the outside world for a couple months as they train for the big pay day. I think in order to win the whole shooting match a guy has to win three fights. No I don’t know for sure if it is only three fights. It might be four. I watch TV for enjoyment and not to zealously follow every detail like our elvish speaking Hobbiton-ophiles who are at this moment probably somewhere sipping their mead and discussing how shot #14 in scene 27 of the sixth installment of the Star Wars series contained a little known microscopic alien that you have to freeze frame, digitize and then enlarge the aspect ratio in order to see. I’m sure, despite my lack of attention to detail, I’ll figure out when the championship fight is taking place. I digress.

This past episode one of the fighters, Noah, or as he shall henceforth be known, Taintlicker, decided to go home because apparently his girlfriend wrote him a bitchy note about how she heard he cheated on her while he was at the “fighter house.” Taintlicker reacted like any 16 year old boy who had only experienced pussy once in his life would. He ran home to his girlfriend to set things right. The only problem is, Taintlicker is 24 years old and he has only been dating this chick for six months.

Point the first: If she is so insecure that she is going to send you this info based entirely on rumor, during this most important time of your entire life when a distraction can cause you to either A) lose or B) have your head kicked entirely off your neck or C) both, then her immaturity is only surpassed by your own.

Point the second: If you did cheat on her, then it isn’t going to work anyways. If you didn’t cheat on her, and she is still pissed a month later when you finally make it home then, it just isn’t going to work out anyways. Just let that ship leave the dock and feel sorry for the next easily manipulated manchild she sinks her little teeth into.

Point the third: There’s a reason they call this type of opportunity “once in a lifetime.” Taintlicker, can you guess how often those types of opportunity will come your way? When you look back on this decision five years from now when she is banging some more successful fighter, I only ask that you don’t cry into the microphone when you ask me if I want fries with that.

It surely doesn’t help you, Taintlicker, that you apparently are a very talented fighter and had already won your first fight. You beat a good fighter in that fight while showing good skills on your feet and great skills on the ground. So I’m guessing that your chances of winning the whole thing were at least average to better than average. And you gave it up? You gave it up to go home, talk to your little ballclipper, and then get put into the loser house where they will sequester you until the end of the fights and the show finishes airing anyways. What did you gain?

I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall of your skull while you were weighing the options on this decision. Hmmm, on the one hand I can win a bunch of money, get more face time on a major television series, train with some of the best fighters in the world, and I might return to my home town a hero. –OR– On the other hand, I can run home sniveling to my girlfriend, train locally with some probably OK fighters, put my career in jeopardy of never getting off the ground, and I’ll surely get shit for the rest of my life as the pussywhipped fuckface who ran home to kiss his girlfriend’s ass.

Wise choice you made Taint ol’ boy. Wise choice.

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