The Idiots That Are

The Idiots That Are.

I like to think of myself as a relatively easy going guy. I think most of my students would agree. Well in two short weeks of riding with driver education students I’ve had run ins with two people that really found the button to push on me and I hope they die with festering boils.

The first one was a flag person at a construction zone. The students and I had commented over the course of the week how seriously she took her job. By “job” I mean “herself.” She should have become a cop because bullying and self-righteousness was obviously in her blood. Sorry to take a stab at cops there. I have a couple friends who are are great guys and I’m sure they are good cops, but even they would admit that the police force has more than it’s share of dickheads and bullies.

Without a chalkboard it’s hard to explain what went down in the driver ed van leading up to my moment with the glorified crossing guard, but suffice it to say, she messed up and ended up waving ahead a couple of logging trucks down the lane we were in. The only lane available. Still not a problem except that they were going the opposite way we were. If you want to see a true test of a driver education student’s mettle, I think putting them into a possible head-on collision with a fully loaded logging truck might just do the trick.

Avoiding all harm and making every right choice possible, as I cutomarily do, we slipped into a parking lot at the last minute. After the road was safe for right of way traffic, I had the student go back to the highway where we were stopped by McGruff the Crime Dick and her vaunted stop sign. This chick was swell. Really swell. As in swollen. Really swollen. I didn’t think an object as round as her could, but she did indeed swagger over to our driver education van. Her first words were, “Do you know why I’m stopping you?”

Ummmm, you thought our van was made of Haagen Daz?

Nope, yer teachin’ them wrong.

These weren’t the words I wanted to hear after Bluto had just incorrectly directed traffic at a van full of children. I tried the politeness route once. I tried the politeness route twice. Apparently she thought we had tried to cut the corner to avoid the construction zone. Despite the fact that I pointed out she was incorrect and I had three kids in the van to back up my story she insisted I was wrong and that I was terribly lucky she didn’t report me. The conversation escalated from there. Ending with a concise and well elocuted, “Kiss my ass!” from me before we drove away. Within 1/2 mile I thought of about a dozen zippier things I could have said to her before we left her talking to herself.

The second incidence occurred when I directed a student into a turning lane in preparation for a left turn. At some point while signaling and pulling into the turning lane the correct way (Good job, Samantha) a red, open top Jeep came screaming the opposite way straight at us. Now the Jeep did signal, but that’s about the only thing it did right. It blew into the turning lane at about 15 mph over the speed limit about a ¼ of a mile before it got to us. Just for the record, it didn’t have to actually turn left for about another 1/4 of a mile after it eventually passed us. So now, for the second time we are in a lane facing oncoming traffic and let me tell you, this was one upset female driver!!!! Arms flailing, greasy, white wife beater bulging in and out with the pulsations of a midsection that was just a little too big to be referred to as Rubenesque, and a mouth that could have deep throated a fire hydrant sat there heaping curses on us from the Jeep.

If I had been alone I would have just laughed and sat calmly in the turning lane for the barslut to get the fuck out of my way. But, I did have kids in the car who were getting a little freaked out so we signaled, pulled back into traffic, went around the evildoer (That word does feel good. I think I know why George W. uses it all the time.) Said evildoer stared my kids and myself down the entire time we were creeping past. Again, if alone that would have made me laugh harder, but when students are with me, I get protective and again my mouth got the better of me as I informed her through the open window what a fat ugly whorebag she was. I probably shouldn’t have done that. If the boyfriend who was in the passenger seat of that Jeep reads this in the near future, I want you to know that I saw you there looking rather sheepish as I’m sure you realized that your girlfriend was in the wrong….oh, and one other thing, RUN! RUN AWAY FAST! I don’t care how well she sucks your dick or if she does that thing you like involving baby oil and pork rinds! Get the hell away while you still can.

So what did these incidents have in common that irked me to the point of using inappropriate language around my students? The first thing I can think of is that both of those situations put my kids in danger. The second thing and I think the one that really, really set me off was both of them fucked up and didn’t realize they fucked up. In fact, they didn’t realize they fucked up so bad that they thought we had fucked up and insisted despite all evidence to the contrary that we were wrong. This is an elite level of ignorance. If you are an intelligent person, don’t even try to achieve this level of ignorance. I saw someone try it once and he is now a vegetable. I’ll probably never see my little Tweedledee flag person again once her job is finished (Unless I go to the moon. She might still be visible from there.) and I doubt I’ll see my blonde haired Jeepslut again, but every time I read or someone speaks the word “ignoramous” I want you to know that I’ll think of you two first.


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