A Shot in the Ass
Finally went to the doc after being pushed and prodded by a friend. I gave him a buzz to catch up with what was going on at work because I had missed three consecutive days which is not typical for me in the least. During that time I had coughed up enough clots of semi-solids from my lungs to feed a family of five for a month. I told him I had convinced a local doctor to squeeze me in, in five days. Said friend’s reply was delicate, well thought out, and comforting. I believe it went something like, “Dude, you sound like shit. You better get in some place sooner than that! That thing…in your voice….nnnnnnnot goooooood.” Up until that point I had thought that I just had a persistent bug…the kind that sticks around for 12-16 weeks. Y’know. Typical spring cold and flu stuff. After that phone call I began wondering what the beginning stages of leprosy were, so I got on the phone and found a doc willing to see me sooner. It meant having to take the next day off work, but I decided maybe I should listen to someone for once.
Things went well at the doc’s office with the exception of that scion from Ol’ Scratch himself. Most of you might know him by his lay name, the scale. 268 pounds of fighting shape I’m apparently in. That is if you consider the shape of a weeble wobble a fighting shape. I never let the nurse touch the slides on the scale anymore. They usually put the large weight on the 200, then work it up to the next notch…eye me curiously like I might be smuggling lead bird shot in my rectum and then notch it up again and again. I just save them the trouble now.
The doctor had good news for me and assured me that leprosy hadn’t been seen in our neck of the woods in quite a while. I’m going to share the name of my doctor with you. I won’t share a lot of real names here, but this one is too good to pass up. She is of East Indian descent and her name, I’m not kidding, is Dr. Farah Khan. Do you think her folks did that on purpose? Anyways, after several rattling breaths and coughs from me and several concerned looks from my stethoscope laden anti-semite (just Wikkipedia Farrakhan if you have to…don’t be ashamed), I was whisked to X-ray, the blood lab, and back to the doc’s office.
She asked if I had been sick for a while. I asked her if three-four months was considered a “while.” She favored me with a withering humorless look that I thought only wives could give their husbands and told me aside from my ear infection, sinus infection, and pneumonia, I was fine. (How come she gets to make with the dry humor and I just get cold looks when I try it? It’s my insurance paying for my time there. Least she could do is pretend to find me amusing. Damned, anti-semites.) Then I got a laundry list of antibiotics. I get this really cool inhalant antibiotic. I’m trying to think of some cool way to use it to my advantage. Like passing out in the supermarket and having my five year old daughter pretend to freak out while digging my inhaler out of my pocket. She would proabably start laughing and wreck the whole thing though. She’s like that. I also get some pills and BONUS, I get not one but two shots….in my ass.
Now, I’m not afraid of needles, but I haven’t had to pull my skivvies down in a doctor’s office and bend over since I was about five and had to get shots. I took it like a man. I figured, I’m four years from my first prostate exam so I may as well get used to it. I’m still hoping that before then they’ll come up with some home kit for prostate exams involving a dental mirror and a back scratcher. Either that or they’ll start making prostate exams more home friendly. Y’know how you can’t open a workout mag or even sift through your wife’s Cosmo without there being some article in there about how either the woman can do her own breast exam or have her “partner” do her breast exam for her? I’m hoping before I get to the big 4-OH, that prostate exams will be more acceptable to perform at home. “Honey, if you loved me you would check this for me. What? No, the leather chaps and the ball gag aren’t necessary for the exam, but they do add a little something don’t they?”
The shots weren’t bad. I was worried for a second about just how far to drop trou. If you don’t pull your pants down far enough, then it’s makes you feel even more vulnerable when the nurse has to sigh and tell you, “A little more. No, more than that. Please sir, I have other patients and I’m not enjoying this view.” On the other hand wouldn’t it be embarassing if you pulled your pants down too far and then the nurse was wondering if you were trying to expose her to a rear scrotum view on purpose? I’ve seen a front view of my scrotum and I’m willing to bet the rear view is less appetizing. Apparently I guessed right as I didn’t hear her snickering either then or while I was outside at the payment desk. The important thing is, I’m back on the healing track. I went to work today. I’m still in need of catching up on sleep, but I’m feeling a little better every day. I can’t wait to see what goes wrong next.